You left us so early
You left us alone
For some reason it was missing
Your tender words
You created us in this world,
You gave us a family
After all, you once wanted
Raise my family
There's a lot you didn't manage to do
Crying out your dream
After all, there is a lot to do in the world
It's hard to overcome life
To give your life
But it’s very difficult without dad
It's difficult to create your own life.

Letting go of a person is very difficult, especially if he was dear to you. You understand that you will have to live with the memories of him, but he himself will not be in your life. I must say that memories only cause pain if they are associated with someone who is gone forever. You try not to think about him, not to remember, just so as not to hurt yourself, but then suddenly you catch yourself thinking that you are really ashamed of yourself. It seems to you that you are not abstracting yourself from the pain, but that you are vilely forgetting the one you honestly valued.
At first, I tried not to think about my grandmother at all, because every moment that surfaced in my consciousness doomed me to whole hours of suffering and powerless tears. I did not come to her house while living with my aunt, I did not visit her grave for the first two years, I did not look at her photographs and did not talk about her with anyone close to me. Over time, I actually managed to dull the pain a little. I allowed myself to hang my grandmother’s photograph in my room, visited her grave a couple of times, and even discussed my feelings with my aunt, reminiscing a little about my childhood spent next to my grandmother. Years passed and I often visited my grandmother’s grave, looked after it, sat for hours at the gray mound, putting my hand in the damp earth and looking at the stone tombstone. Her stone eyes looked at me from there, but they didn’t have the same sparkle. I understood this, but I couldn’t do anything.

Lord forbid, I ask for at least one more day,
Without her, I am like a shadow in this world.
I don’t want warmth and life without her,
I can’t and I don’t want anything.

Her last breath and tender eyes,
I will remember this moment forever.
I'm suffocating at night and the blow strikes again,
That moment has now become a nightmare for me.

With tears in my eyes, I hugged her
From hellish pain, I then shouted to you:
Why did you take my love from me?
I closed my eyes and walked her into the night...

And loneliness closed my eyes,
The soul is torn now, Love is dead.
At the edge of the abyss I shouted into the sky:
Now I'm dead forever! I have become a shadow!

A. N Ibragimov
26/10/2016
16:47

Certificate of publication 116 102 606 495

I write to you again and again
I know you won’t read it anymore...
I write to you, letters of love
I write letters to you out of tears.

I forgot that there are sunrises,
I forgot what a sunset is...
There is no you, you are in the sky somewhere
My life is like a cool waterfall...

Your death took my soul
My heart burned out a long time ago.
Like winter took away my summer,
So I was covered in snow...

I can't see, my eyes are dim
And now I have wrinkles.
I've aged a century in a week
Death took you from me.

I write to you again and again
About myself and about our love.
I write letters to you, but I know
That you will never read them...

A. N. Ibragimov
26/10/2016
17:19

Copyright: Aga Ibragimov, 2016
Certificate of publication 116 102 606 845

The last handful of earth
In my hands I hold my dear,
The last handful of earth
I'll throw it standing at the edge...

Everything was covered with earth,
Love, dreams and hopes..
Left alone with you
Life will not be the same as before...

Friends are long gone
Relatives don’t interfere now,
Pieces of my soul
They fly quietly into the cemetery.

I look into the distance, into the darkness
And tears burn me.
I'm lying next to you,
Hugging your grave...

Copyright: Aga Ibragimov, 2016
Certificate of publication 116 102 607 005

You came to me like a summer rain,
These drops are incredibly bitter.
I only regret that
That he couldn't be sincere with me.

The bitterness of loss

When your hands go numb from melancholy,
Eyelashes flutter painfully with tears,
Traces of my lost soul
In their youth they hang from the skies.
And this frozen silver trail
Brings me a moment again
Rainy evening, snow on the doorstep,
The mirrors are covered with blackening.
In the front room a candle smokes,
The night flickers with faded pupils,
And marble-frozen decay
Sacredly consecrated by fireflies.

A wave of salty tears covered
And the bitterness of the immature swaying
A child's soul that has never known death
And the first experience of bitter recognition.
And this first unforgotten decay
The old lady is bright and beloved,
What has been twisting hands for many years
In the soul, it stands on edge invisibly.

You are the taste of poisoned melancholy, I am the bitter aroma of forgotten cherries.
Oh my God! How far we have become... Dawn came, but the sun did not come out.
I am the morning rush of a blind owl, blinking, looking for someone's face.
You are what was picked up from the grass, which means this is what had to happen.

I am the pain of loss on the run, you are the shadow of what was between us.
You can’t, I can’t either, meander around in circles with dead tracks.
The lilac dawn that we both painted went out inside me.
I’m leaving... I’m not sure... I wish I could become wiser, without doubt...

I am everything that, knowing by heart, is so difficult for you to understand, to measure...
Our fingers are unclenched - so be it - there are great losses in life.
I am a scar of blurred warmth, you are something that is somewhere there, under the skin...
Hey, smile... sorry I couldn't... This too will pass... maybe... maybe... maybe...

MORNING OF LOSS

The man did not cry, did not rush about
On this dark morning of loss,
I just tried to shake the fence,
Grabbing the fence stakes...

Here he goes. Here in the black backwater
Reflected by a white shirt,
Here the tram, braking, began to ring,
The driver shouts: - Tired of living?!

It was noisy, but he didn’t even hear.
Maybe he listened, but he hardly heard,
How the iron rattled on the roofs,
How the metal parts of the cars rumbled.

Here he comes. So he took the guitar.
Here he hit the strings tiredly.
So he sang about Queen Tamara
And about the tower in the Daryal Gorge.

That's all... But the fence stood.
Cast iron fence stakes.
It was a morning of rain and metal,
It was a dark morning of loss...

When the premonition of separation
Your voice sounded sad to me
When, laughing, I take your hands
Warmed it up in my hands,
When the road is bright in the distance
I was beckoned from the wilderness -
I am your secret sadness
I was proud deep down.

Before unrecognized love
I was cheerful at the farewell hour,
But - my God! with what pain
I woke up in my soul without you!
What painful dreams
Tomit, disturbing my peace,
Everything you left unsaid
And unheard by me!

In vain is your welcoming voice
Sounded to me like a distant bell,
From beyond the abyss: the cherished path
I am forever blocked from seeing you, -
Forget, my heart, the pale image,
Flashed in your memory,
And again in life, feeling, poor,
Look for similarities of former days!

POEMS ABOUT YOU

Dedicated to Galina Asadova

Through the ringing of stars, through truths and lies,
Through pain and darkness and through the winds of loss

On our familiar floor,
Where you are forever imprinted in the dawn,
Where do you live and no longer live?
And where, like a song, you are and are not.

And then suddenly I start to imagine
That the phone will ring one day
And your voice is like in an unreal dream,
Shaking it, it will scorch your whole soul at once.

And if you suddenly step on the threshold,
I swear that you can be anyone!
I'm waiting. Neither shroud nor harsh rock,
And neither horror nor shock
They won't be able to intimidate me anymore!

Is there anything worse in life?
And anything more monstrous in the world,
Than among familiar books and things,
Frozen in soul, without loved ones and friends,
Wandering around an empty apartment at night...

But the most painful shadow
Lay down on the whole world without regret
On that calendar first summer day,
On that memorable day of your birthday...

Yes, on this day, do you remember? Every year
In a noisy feast with sincere love
Your most loyal people
I drank with inspiration for your health!

And suddenly - a break! What a horror, what a failure!
And you are already different, unearthly...
How did I do it? How did you survive? Did you resist?
Even now I still don’t understand...

And could I imagine even for a moment,
That he will be uncontrollably cruel,
Your day. Cold, terribly lonely,
Almost like horror, like a silent scream...

That instead of toasts, celebration and happiness,
Where everyone is kind, intoxicated and good, -
Cold, rainy weather,
And the house is quiet and quiet... Not a soul.

And everyone who congratulated and joked,
Burlya, like a full-flowing river,
Suddenly they seemed to dissolve and forget,
No sound, no visit, no call...

However, there was still an exception:
Call. Buddy through the cold darkness.
No, I didn’t go in, but I remembered the birth,
And - with relief - the phone went off the hook.

And again the darkness claws like an angry bird,
And the pain - not to move, not to breathe!
And how to measure this horror in steps,
It’s better to go to hell right away!

The moon, as if stepping from around the corner,
He looks through the glass with a sad thought,
Like a man slouching at the table,
With his lips trembling, he clinks his glass...

Yes, it was like that, even howl, even if you don’t breathe!
Your image... Without physicality and speech...
And... no one... not a sound, not a soul...
Only you, and me, and the pain of inhumanity...

And again the rain is like a prickly wall,
As if mercilessly hatching
Everything that I live in the world, that I love,
And everything that happened to me from time immemorial...

Do you remember in the past - behind the hall...
Sold out! A world filled with flowers
And we are in the center. And happiness is near us!
And the enthusiastic intensity beating upward!

And what else? Yes, everything was there!
We lived wildly, arguing and loving,
And yet, admit it, you loved me
Not like me - with a hundred hearts and a hundred wings,
Not like me, without memory, you!

But here comes the night and the thunderous tremors
They left, dissolving in the mouth of thunder...
Having mixed both truth and lies into a ball,
Victory, pain, suffering and happiness...

But really, what am I saying!
Where the hell will this torment go?!
Your voice, and your face, and hands...
A hundred times grief, I never burn!

And let days fly after days,
They will not forget what is eternally alive.
All thirty-six incredible years,
Painful and furiously happy!

When the rain rings in the night
Through the song of meetings and through the winds of loss,
It seems to me that you will come again
And quietly quietly knock on the door...

I don’t know what we’ll destroy, what we’ll find?
And what will I forgive and what will I not forgive?
But I know that I won’t let you go back.
Either here together, or there together!

But Mephistopheles is in the wall behind the glass
It’s as if he came to life in a cast-iron form,
And, looking down darkly and thoughtfully,
He smiled slightly with his thin-lipped mouth:

“Understand that even if a miracle happens,
I’ll still say, without concealing my sadness,
What if she knocks on the door,
So who, tell me, can guarantee
That the door will be yours?..”

About loss

How cold it always gets
When you accidentally lose your loved ones.
They left like a star in the sky,
And on the ground the grave is overgrown.

When we run through the bustle of life,
We forget our loved ones and lose them.
They are like branches in the wind,
Over the years they fade more and more.

Stop for a moment, one call:
Hello, I love you and miss you so much,
Of course not, everything is good enough.
I dream of coming to visit you.

Today you couldn’t, or you were tired,
And tomorrow, even if you want, you won’t have time.
So call and tell me you missed me
What you love, honor and believe infinitely.

The pain of loss

I hate the color black
Like a black December night,
And there is nothing sadder
Than black mourning attire.

Of course you feel good -
Now you see colorful dreams,
You have become an immortal soul
And I... I wish I could live until spring...

DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE!
But the battle is lost with emptiness,
I'm stuck in it, I'm drowning in it.
Here every breath lives with you.

Our apartment is semi-dark
And cobwebs in the corners.
I think I'm going crazy
Still not believing that you are there.

I live in pictures and poems
And every hour I look out the window.
And you're flying in the clouds
It's easy for you... and you don't care...

And, casting a casual glance down,
You will silently shudder... maybe.
And I... I don’t dare without you
And I don’t want to learn to live.

I count the days on the calendar -
It's already been seventeen dark days.
I live as if in a kennel
The one without windows, without doors.

DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE! -
I scream into the darkness. No answer.
I'm going down day by day.
I hate black...

I parted with you laughing...

I parted with you laughing:
I will meet a dozen of the same.
I burned bridges without fear,
I won’t notice that I’ll burn myself.
I parted with you without knowing
That my memory will not give me peace,
That one day I will wake up different,
With belated love and pain.
We broke up, but I didn't forget
Your farewell glance and the station.
I've broken a lot of people's hearts
You punished me for everyone.

Poems about bitterness and pain of loss

Loss

The heart is covered with pain and cuts,
They are sewn together with the threads of courage.
You exist only in the past and dreams,
Considering real days unnecessary.
Reason with cold, precise calculation
He understands everything - nothing can be returned.
The heart trembles again in hope,
He tries to deceive you and himself.
A drop of pain and a drop of anger,
For the rest, there is emptiness in my soul.
All because from bitter loss
Joy and beauty left life.
Ah, this bitter word “loss”!
The pain that drinks you to the bottom.
And the day it happened
You will never forget.
Hellish pain, as if your liver is being torn,
There is a gaping hole in my heart without a bottom.
Memories are very crippling
And a stingy tear comes.
Everything around seems boring and stupid,
Strange, completely incomprehensible, alien.
I want to do something bad
Just to be close to him again.
Then a terrible torment will come:
This realization will come to you -
A loved one is lost forever,
Nothing in this life will bring him back.
As you realize, it will become a little easier.
You will finally be convinced that loss is not a dream.
The torn heart will be filled with pain,
Thoughts will jump after her in unison.
The pain never goes away without a trace.
The loss will never go away.
Your spirit will then cry quietly,
And the nerves will stretch like wires.
You need to understand: life moves on,
We must walk towards her proudly.
Your spirit will humble itself and move on,
He still has a lot to suffer...

Behind loss is loss,
My peers are fading away.
Hit our square
Even though the battles are long over.

What to do?-
Pressed into the ground,
Protect your mortal body?
No, I don't accept this
That's not what we're talking about at all.

Who mastered the forty-first,
Will fight to the end.
Oh charred nerves,
Burnt hearts!..

The cup of the soul is overflowing,
And Death squinted at the door.
And the pencils fell apart...
Inconsolable. Forever. And the whip

Quilted juicy and loud
On the shoulders and soul at the same time.
Gluing hearts together with stupid fragments
It's already late. Yes, and it doesn’t matter.

The soul is crying like a shower. It would be necessary
Regret: "Nothing... Everything will pass..."
The rainbow has become a gray stripe,
The world around is a black and white barcode...

come back to me

Fall to the ground and cry
Please come back only to me,
I won't hide my sadness,
I'll give it to fate
The rain will cry with me,
And you will leave without looking back,
What does my life mean in the world?
If I wake up running in tears,
I pray you come back to me, my love,
Let's forget everything that was there
I just ask tirelessly
Come back to me, I'll give you everything.

The pain of "loss"

They wailed: “Oh, Lord!
Heal this flesh!"
And not a word about the soul,
What's already in preparation...
Screams, arguments over the bed,
Tears like a stormy drop
And feel sorry for yourself for your loved ones...
How many days are left?!
Sophisticated drugs
At home, white nursing -
Fight with death in a matter of hours...
All noses are below the shoulders -
They lament: “Oh, Lord!
Why didn’t You save this flesh?!”
And not a word about the soul,
What is already looking from Heaven...

The bitterness of loss

Everything happened, meetings, parting
Flowers, smiles and sadness,
But find words to justify
Sometimes we can’t, no matter how sorry we are

We were like two hearts with him
We breathed the same air,
We were soldered together
We were inseparable from him

But he left after saying two words
I'm leaving loving you
Please find someone else
I'll be happy for you

I'm scared to sleep alone at night
There is dim light in an empty apartment,
The whole world has gone dark, nothing matters to me
And without him I have no happiness

I know everything will pass over the years
The sadness will pass, the pain will subside,
But the scar in the chest is always with us
And our blood turned dark

He's no longer with me
And only a photo on the wall,
He greets me with a gentle gaze
And sends an air kiss to me.

Poems about bitterness and pain of loss

To my father posthumously

I never said that best friend mine is you.
forgive me for this, father, today I brought you flowers...
I won't see you again, and I won't shake your hand.
I won’t hear your voice anymore, but you always live in me.
and I will take those minutes of our meeting with me into eternity.
when the candles go out in the church, I will extol you in verse.

When will the pain of loss subside?

When will the pain of loss subside?
About the old life, about the past.
I don’t need someone else’s salary,
I don't want to be friends with evil.
I don't need someone else's share.
God gave me freedom.
And if free, then free,
God called me to freedom.
I didn't whine about a better life,
And I am not a slave to evil fate.
And I am like the wind in an open field.
And I’m different, you understand!
Open up, great beginning.
And don't look, there's no end!
It's time, it's time for eternity,
Shaking from your feet, sins of lead.
Take life while it is given!
And don’t be too wise, you’ll be too wise!
Fools talk about vanity,
And I see you are sleeping today!
Freedom, only in Grace,
By the Law, sin is known.
And you, my friend, are free by the way,
Jesus Christ suffered for everyone!
You talk a lot today
And you yourself don’t know what.
And even life, you judge strictly,
Do you know what the meaning of life is?
Don’t be idle talk, be simpler and clear.
Freedom is not a game!
The path to freedom is sometimes dangerous,
Freedom is sweeter than silver!
Well, what are you free from, my friend?
And who freed you?
And what is it good for today?
When was the last time you smoked?
And if you drink, screaming, you are free,
I say what I want, I say.
Your God with faith is not pleasing to me.
I control my own destiny.
Then you are a slave, with shackles in your soul.
And I only dreamed about freedom.
All, inconsolable foundations,
In my soullessness, I drew it!
I feel sorry for such people, the words hit the wall.
You won’t get through them right away!
They skim off the sin,
Correcting them will tear your navel!
They are like dogs, villains at heart!
These are on a chain and under the law!
For the World, these are actors!
And the soul is at stake!
For them, the sacred is lawlessness!
Take from life what you want.
Palms stretch out to someone else's,
I spin the others the way I want!

This is how the whole Planet is dying!
Indulging them, we remain silent!
But really, naked, undressed!
It doesn’t happen to anyone, and we’ll forgive you!
And he is “free”, tearing and rushing,
And in coolness, he wants to live!
Your sins, on someone else's shoulders.
At the expense of others, and eat and drink!
There are many such “free” people nowadays!
Lazy, proud and “cool”!
God will judge them very strictly,
No need for periods or commas!
I don’t judge, but the Eye sees!
What are we doing with freedom!
For many, life goes sideways,
Life is hard, why extreme?

The pain of loss...

Time is an unlucky doctor,
Who entrusted him with treatment?
The pain of losing a person
That has already measured its life...

The pain of loss does not go away
The pain in the soul wanders like misery
The sea of ​​memory is raging
Grief rushes to my throat...

Your departure is like an explosion
Your image carried into memory,
Bumping into cliffs
In a groan he threatens to melt...

There's an emptiness in my soul
Everything fell apart after the explosion
From scraps with the power of thought
I created a new world...

And flying in the vastness of life
Along with the pain of loss
You live in me, you are close
And with me.. forever you......

Soulful cry

My daughter died tragically
such a pain! irreparable loss!
How can I withstand this, overcome this?!!
she is a little blood and is not to blame for anything

the killer is alive...why did he drive so fast?!
more than once "reckless", exceeding the speed
Why did he take my daughter away?!!
hiding without admitting guilt

in the prime of life, full of energy
loved life like everyone else, dreaming about the future
friendly, smart, modest
worked honestly, worried about me,

in an instant the thread of her life was cut off
betrayed by boyfriend, best friend
now the judge is unable to convict
give the guilty what he deserves,

but God's judgment cannot be avoided
and no payment will save them
everyone who is guilty will answer
Retribution will come to them someday!!!

Yes, life goes on...
Now I too am faced with the bitterness of loss.
How I want to catch a rhyme,
But I can’t - all my thoughts are confused...
Yes, well, let it be, it’s clear to me like this:
There is life and death
There are laughter and tears
There are a year and two, and three and five...
There are endless predictions
There is night and light
Yes and no
There is what was and what will be...
But what to do and where to find out...?
How to learn to understand
And accept irrevocability...?
All thoughts, feelings and words
They are mercilessly striving for freedom -
So everything is not smooth and not smooth...
It's like someone's cruel joke
And I don't believe it for a minute
That you are no longer there...

Tell me how to relieve the pain in my heart?
Where can you hide from grief?
They won't be able to understand
What's going on in your soul.
And there is just emptiness.
Years spent aimlessly.
And life is sometimes so simple,
And our death is the law of nature.
But how can we understand it?
Coming to terms with the loss of a loved one?
After all, life will not ask what to take away.
As soon as the heart stops beating.

PAIN OF LOSS

There is pain in my heart today.
The pain of loss, the groan of resentment.
Releases a ringing sound from the heart...
Thunder rises to the heavens.

The pain of loss is like a scar on your face.
It draws crosses on my soul.
The heart groans like thunder in the silence.
Happiness will never return to me.

My happiness has gone to heaven.
Leaving me only tears, fog...
I am on my knees in prayer.
I ask God for forgiveness...

For the fate that I am chasing...
What's in my soul, I don't give birth to Love...
For sins, condemnations, pain...
And for the heart that is torn into blood.

Forgive me and understand, my angel.
I have lost peace in my life...
Help me get up from my knees.
And keep Love in my soul.

Those who have passed must not be remembered ceremoniously,
And remember every day, and every hour.
The fire of the soul, like the fire of a lamp
Without forgetting, death is so merciless
In selecting the best among us...
They passed away very early
Giving us your whole soul's intensity!
Who says, “time heals wounds,”
He never lost anyone close to him...

Life does not stand still... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone close to them has died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person and express their condolences and sympathy. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude towards the experiences and misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, injure, or cause even more suffering?

The word condolences speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as “ with seating disease" Don't let this surprise you. After all, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful human condition, and it is well known that “shared grief is half grief.” Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Sympathy - feeling together, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in more in a broad sense Condolence is not only words, presence next to the grieving person, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, and firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol when they are expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Verbal condolences to the bereaved

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Verbal condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendly and other connections. Verbal condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral or wake).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, without the work of the soul and sincere sympathy behind it. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but in many cases also causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not a rare case these days. It must be said that people in grief subtly sense lies that at other times they would not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to say empty and false words that have no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express your condolences please consider the following:

• There is no need to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing warm words towards the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, you can express your condolences with whatever your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is quite enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. The same can be done by condolences who do not have close relationships with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime. For them, it is enough to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
• When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead and formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organizing a funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but will also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to choose them? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, turns our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can then say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express your condolences. You can pray anywhere, it won’t take much time and effort, it won’t cause harm, but it will bring great amount benefits.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those with whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come on their own.

• Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolences to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After this, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the extent of their loss, their internal state at this moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, the right words will come on their own. All you have to do is say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of that person or persons.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty of before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are a few examples of verbal condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
• It's very hard to lose someone like that. dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pretentiousness, or theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who are trying to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCES for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on days 9 to 40 of loss (if grief proceeds normally). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH SUCH GRIEVING PARTICIPALLY IN CONSIDERATION.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases are not used. It is important to note that in an attempt to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. This is why it is better to avoid mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently used phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to be said when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

You can't "console" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died), "You are beautiful, then will you get married again"(if the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he is thus giving hope to the grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry“everything will pass” - people who say similar words“sympathies” give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions, hide his pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or become convinced) to think that crying is bad. This can have an extremely difficult impact on both the psycho-emotional and somatic state of the mourner and on the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement, which the sympathizer imagines as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement very differently. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn’t really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build new life without a loved one. And therefore, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.

« It's bad, of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt and get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, is not making plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be like this now. That is why such a phrase evokes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let's give a metaphor: for example, a child was hit hard, is experiencing severe pain, crying, and they say to him, “It’s bad that you hit yourself, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to utter wishes to the mourner that are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to get back to work quickly,” “I hope that you will soon regain your health,” “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy,” etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given in this capacity. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. This means that these phrases will go to best case scenario into emptiness. But it is possible that the griever will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in a tragedy and devalue the loss.

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss, most often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of the loss does not become less, the person perceives what happened as a disaster

“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted"- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment in the grieving person towards the departed - “You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grief can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often when expressing condolences the following statements are heard: “It’s good that the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They also should not be said to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could have been worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by saying that his house burned down, but his car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in its most terrible form.

“Hold on, because others have it worse than you”(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, there is so much evil around - many suffer, your husband is here, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which the sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with the one “ who has it worse." At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, and thus his pain from the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable practice. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is feeling bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person’s condition. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can’t look for the “extreme”

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we had sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if We wouldn’t let him go,” etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find someone “to blame”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom condolences are “guilty.”

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be judged.”

These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else and are a condemnation of another. But assigning someone to blame, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all soften the pain of loss. Punishing someone responsible for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements put the mourner into a state of strong aggression towards the person responsible for the death of a dear person. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression towards the perpetrator on himself at any moment, thereby making things even worse for himself. So you shouldn’t utter such phrases, fueling the fire of hatred, condemnation, and aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.“God gave - God took”

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is precisely turning to God in prayer. And obviously, this creates additional complications if you consider God to be “guilty.” Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God’s providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mentioning this can indeed be a comfort.

“This happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not console, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolence” in this way, completely undeservedly, puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, connecting certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, who thinks a lot about himself, and stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” with condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless “condolences”, it is necessary to remember the well-known rule “It’s either good or nothing about the deceased.”

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

They often say the phrase when expressing condolences “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand another's physical pain except the one experiencing it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the mourner, even if you have experienced similar things. You shouldn't compare feelings. You can't feel the same way he does. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to tactlessly inquire about details when expressing sympathy. “How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?” This is no longer an expression of condolences, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not cause him trauma (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that when offering condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily cope with grief - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy.” ", "Me too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father also died,” etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and your desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is little consolation for a person that others are also feeling bad.

Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you must do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obliged to do something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This makes condolences pompous, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy and sharing grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolences a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not expressed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also provides the following recommendations on what NOT to do when communicating with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of a grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him.

We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from such a person’s refusals. Be merciful to him. Wait for him to get back to normal. You cannot distance yourself from a person, deprive him of your support, or ignore him.

A grieving person may perceive this as your reluctance to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to impose yourself, if you are modest, then take into account these characteristics of the grieving person. Don't ignore him, but approach him and explain to him. Sympathetic people are often frightened by the strong emotions of those grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. This may also be misunderstood by them.

You should not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have results. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, it will be like talking in different languages.

You cannot use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions must be kept under control in behavior with the mourner. Strong displays of emotion, clenching in arms.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that "often about death loved one They notify not only relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and commemorations, but also comrades and just distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person receiving it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, be with the grieving, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply worn over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a condolence visit, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, to speak tactlessly on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or to discuss work problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they suffered, and you will make it easier for them to get back on track Everyday life. If a person cannot make a personal visit for some reason, then you need to send a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message.”

Written expression of condolences

How condolences were expressed in letters. Brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's look at this issue in more detail. This is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant on the topic “ Worldview aspects life":

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility you can find examples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of information, love, instruction, and command. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences and letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the king’s character. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son’s escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with the grief of others could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then serving as a governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the Tsar’s eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, among other things, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve too much, but you can’t, so as not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't make me angry." The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed story about the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist adding: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Don’t worry, but trust in God and be reliable in us.”(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means not only of transmitting information, but also of expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, the circle of friends and interests of the writer, and the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually letters of consolation. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter notifying him of the death of his relative, a consoling letter was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembering the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening in Russian society interest in the topic of death. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has to some extent become taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy was also lost; There is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of comfort have become part of formal etiquette, but have not completely disappeared from communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called “Pismovniki” began to be published to help those writing on difficult topics. These were guides for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write and format a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, and provided samples of letters, phrases and expressions for various life situations, including cases of death, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of letter writers that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner and console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of consolation required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th century letter books, “The General Secretary, or a new complete letter book.” (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this kind of letter, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can disqualify yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no more praiseworthy custom than to console each other in sorrows. Fate inflicts so much misfortune on us that we would act inhumanely if we did not give each other such relief. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in her sadness excessively, then instead of suddenly holding back her first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters one can use the features of moral teaching and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than grieve over someone’s death, it is better to abandon such vivid ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; Prudence requires in such cases to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more expansively about disasters that are inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what misfortunes does each of us not endure in this life? Lack of property forces you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.”

And this is what the samples of consoling letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My Empress! Not in order to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor of writing this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better yet, to mourn with you in common the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Judge, madam, whether I have any reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can console my sorrow except perfect submission to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you too will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you should still be consoled by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-lived pleasure here. Honor him by keeping him everlasting in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Have fun raising your children, in whom you see him come alive. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I cry for him with you, and all honest people share their pity with you, among whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, of an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, and condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, inconvenient aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

About the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death... . She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Expensive …

…Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.

About the death of a colleague

Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday of the death of Mr...

Example 5. The news of the sudden death of Mr.... was a huge shock for us.

Example 6. We find it difficult to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...

Condolences. How to sincerely express condolences to the relatives of the deceased? Short words of grief over death and support in difficult times. "My condolences…"

Words of grief and support in difficult times

Sincere words of sorrow and sensitive behavior express a willingness to share grief, support a neighbor with their presence or shared memory of the deceased. What is even more important is action participation, willingness to help, give your time and effort to a friend or friend at a time when he is vulnerable, depressed and needs participation. It’s good if you can guess what exactly it is: material assistance, organizational, physical. Maybe you need a ride or shelter for someone for a couple of days. Offer your services For example:

• How can I help you these days?
• If/when you need anything, contact me right away!
• A lot has fallen on you right now. What can I do for you?
• I think you might need some help. I would like to participate.

My condolences…

How to find the right words of grief? If you know the relatives of the deceased closely, then it is better to think of a more personal, personal sympathetic phrase. While thinking through words of condolences, we recommend that you look. Each obituary ends with words of condolences from the celebrity's family and friends. We have given some words of condolences to celebrities at the end of this article. The website “Making Monuments.ru” provides 100 specific examples words of sorrow on the occasion of death.

Accept my condolences!

Delicacy and sincerity- this is what you need to remember when pronouncing words of sympathy. In grief, the feeling of sincerity and falsehood intensifies. Feel free to select in advance, and Housesrepeatedlyaloudtalk phrase of condolences. This will allow the right moment not to think about the wording and concentrate on the person and circumstances. Don't be shy about your feelings. If you want to hug a friend, touch her shoulder or hug her; shake a friend’s hand – shake it. A tear rolls down - don’t turn away, but brush it away. Take a bag of clean napkins with you - they may be useful to you or someone present.

Death is the final reconciliation... If you harbor a grudge against the deceased, find strength in yourself forgive. Having cleansed your soul and thoughts of negativity, words of sympathy will sound from the heart, sincerely! If you had a conflict with the deceased, then sincere regret, an apology, and a request for forgiveness will be in order.

Examples of short verbal condolences

Format verbal condolences depends on the context. In a close circle, you can allow soulful. But at a funeral or, during a farewell to the body or during a funeral service, only short sayings. Many more invitees must express their condolences.

• [Name] was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
• Be strong!/(Be strong, friend)!
• He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
• I loved him/(her)/[Name]. My condolences!
• How much good she did for her neighbors! How she was loved and appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a piece of ourselves. We really feel for you!
• This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But it’s hardest for you! If we can help you with anything, please contact us immediately!
• He has meant/done/helped me a lot in my life. I mourn with you!
• He left so much of his soul in all of us! It's forever as long as we're alive!
• Our entire family sympathizes with your grief. Our condolences... Be strong!
• His role in my life is huge! How small those disagreements were, and the goodness and deeds that he did for me, I will never forget. My condolences to you!
• What a loss! man of God! I pray for him, I pray for all of you!
• What a pity that I didn’t have time to tell him “I’m sorry!” He opened for me new world, and I will always remember this! My sincere condolences!

Religious Condolence

Is it right to express condolences using religious rhetoric? When is it appropriate and when is it not appropriate to refer to quotes from holy books? How should you use the words of prayers if you express your condolences to a person of a different faith or an atheist?

• If both the sympathizer and the mourner are atheists or agnostics, then there is no point in resorting to religious rhetoric. Ideas for short phrases of sympathy can be gleaned from the section.
• If a man, someone who has lost a loved one is a believer, but you are not, then briefly addressing the topic of a better life in another world will be correct, but the use of church language will seem false. Ideas for phrases can be found in the section.
• On the contrary, when the person grieving is an atheist or agnostic, and you are a believer, then an appeal on your part to or to the dogmas of your religion will look like a sincere form of sympathy. Only the measure is important.
• If you and the bereaved person - both fellow believers, then turning to common sources, general and observance of canonical rites of remembrance are appropriate.

• Even if the grieving person is himself a lover of rhyme, still the moment of condolences is not the right time for your own poetry.
• Poetic text in the context of condolences is devalued and can be perceived as verbal exercises during grief.
• If it’s popular, then it’s already exotic, but condolence poems- this is the risk of being misunderstood.

Condolences via SMS? No.

• The message may arrive at the wrong time.
• Even if your condolences are terse, the very image of the SMS channel suggests the transmission of facts, not feelings.
• If you send condolences via SMS, then you have a phone in your hand. — Was it difficult to call? - this is what a person who has suffered a loss will think about.
• If you do not meet in person in the coming days, then express your condolences by phone or email.

What should you not say when expressing condolences?

• Comfort with the prospect. Pain is here and now, and against its background, turning to the future means either showing your tactlessness, or hurting a loved one, or, at the very least, being unheard or misunderstood. Inappropriate words: “Everything will be fine...”, “Don’t worry, you’ll get married in a couple of years,” “Everything will pass, and this pain too,” “Time heals...”, “Nothing, you’re young, you’ll give birth again,” “I wish you faster survive the grief...
• Demonstrate positive circumstances associated with the loss. Examples of tactless phrases: “Be strong, friend! After all, it can also happen (so/worse/more terrible...)”, “With such torment, death is a relief”, “It’s good that at least (something worse) didn’t happen”, “The child will have his own room”, “You the opportunity arises (to do something).”
• Point out the culprit, “find the last one”. For example, “God gave - God took”, “If you... (went to the doctor), would not have let him go, listened to the advice...”, “Such doctors should be put on trial,” “Given his lifestyle, it is not surprising.”
• Don’t ask how and under what circumstances it happened. This is not the time or place to ask for details.
• You shouldn't at this moment talk about any topic not related to the experience. Neither about work, nor about mutual acquaintances, nor on any extraneous topics.
• Don't appeal to your experience, even if you have experienced a similar grief. “Girlfriend, I know how hard it is for you, I also lost...”, even if said sincerely, at the moment of grief it can be perceived inadequately.
• Intrusive or banal advice, like “You must live for the sake of...”, “You need to calm down, wait out the time”, etc. - all this is stupid and unnecessary in moments of grief.

It’s impossible not to list all the “impossible” ones. Use common sense, a sense of proportion, be sincere and sympathetic. Be short and concise. Remember that sometimes it is better to remain silent and abstain than to talk idle talk or be tactless.

How to write a letter of condolence

It is not always possible to express condolences in person, and then in the very first days after death a letter of sympathy should be sent.

Written condolences on a postcard appropriate as an addition to a discreet funeral bouquet (red, white colors) or together with some amount of money, if it is, say, a benefit or just cash assistance from the enterprise. Design matters: you can’t write condolences on a bright holiday or greeting card. Use special ones, or take a completely neutral card with a restrained design.

Email condolences it should also be concise, sincere, but restrained. The title should already contain words of condolences. So, it is incorrect to indicate in the subject of the letter “Condolences on the death of so-and-so,” but the correct one would be: “[Name], my condolences to you on the death of your father/(mother).” Before you press the “send” button, read the condolences through the eyes of a grieving person. It should be short, to the point, without fluff or tactlessness. Below are examples of written condolences.

Examples of written condolences

Sample condolences on a card about the death of a mother

Dear/Dear [Name]!

It was difficult for us to accept the news of the death of your/your mother, [Name and Patronymic of the deceased]. The more we sympathize with your/your loss. We deeply mourn the death of [Name and Patronymic]. For us, she has always been an example of care, sensitivity, and attention to one’s neighbor. (or other positive qualities inherent in the deceased) and conquered with her kind disposition and love of humanity. We are very sad for her and can only imagine what a heavy blow her passing was for you. More than once we remembered her words: [such and such]. And in this she served as an example of [something], thanks to her we became/understood [how the deceased influenced us]. Your mother, [Name and Patronymic], raised and raised you - a worthy person, of whom, we are sure, she was proud. We are happy that we had the chance to know her.

With deep and sincere sympathy, the [So-and-so] family

Sample of condolences by e-mail about the death of mother

Email header:[Name], my condolences to you on the death of [Name and Patronymic]!

Text of the letter: Dear [Name]! Today I sadly learned about the death of your mother, [Name and Patronymic]. It’s hard to believe - after all, not so long ago she warmly welcomed us as guests. I remembered her as (positive qualities of the deceased) . It is difficult for me to imagine the depth of grief that you are experiencing right now. My sincere condolences!

Perhaps these days you will have troubles associated with mourning events. I want to offer you my help: maybe you need to meet someone, help with a car, or notify someone... Contact me! I would like to help in some way during this difficult moment for all of us!

I sympathize with your loss! Signature.

Condolences on the death of father

Structure of a letter (postcard, email) of condolences on the death of a father girlfriend or friend - the same as in the case of condolences for the death of a mother (see above). However, society values ​​slightly different qualities in a man than in a mother or wife. Words and phrases that are appropriate to express condolences on the death of dad, head of the family, are given below. If more precise words of consolation come to mind that reflect the characteristics of this particular person, then it is better to use them.

• As soon as I met your father, that same day I realized that he was a man of [such and such qualities]
• He was a real man, a responsible head of the family and a caring person.
• I didn’t know your father personally, but I can imagine how much he meant to you.
• He was an example for me in this and that.
• He admired everyone for his foresight, erudition, and sharp mind.
• I realized that I knew little about him. When the time is right, tell me more about your dad!
• Knowing you, I can guess how much your father gave to his family and children!

Samples of condolences for the death of a friend, colleague

Condolences to a colleague, employee, subordinate - not only a sign of good relations in the team, but also an element of business ethics in a healthy company. Condolences for a colleague are expressed in the same way as condolences for a friend, relative, or someone close to you. The examples below focus attention precisely on a professional status- boss, responsible specialist, prominent executive, public figure...

• It is with deep regret that I learned about the tragic/untimely/sudden death of the president of your company, Mr. [Last Name-Patronymic]. His contribution to the formation/development/prosperity of your company is well known and indisputable. The management of [Company Name] and our colleagues, saddened by the bitter news, convey their condolences for the loss of a respected and talented leader.
• Let me express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of [position] Mrs. [Last name-First name-Patronymic]. Her professionalism, competence and dedication earned her the genuine respect of all who worked with her. Please accept our sincere condolences for your grief and sympathy for your irreparable loss.
• I am deeply shocked by the news of the death of [position, First Name and Patronymic]. Let me express my most sincere sympathy to you personally and all the employees of your company. My colleagues, having learned of the tragedy/grief/misfortune, share deep sadness regarding his/her passing.

Funeral words of grief for the deceased

Condolences are mourning words of sorrow who express sympathy over death. Sincere condolences provide for the format of a personal, personal appeal - verbal or text.

Within or in public, condolences are also appropriate, but there must be expressed briefly. In an expression of sympathy from a believer, you can add: "We pray for ___". More information about the rules of condolences can be found on the Epitaph.ru website.

Etiquette Muslim condolences It is distinguished by a fatal attitude towards death and acceptance of loss, as well as clear requirements for rituals, clothing, behavior, symbols, and gestures.

Examples of condolences

Universal short words of grief

In the case when words of condolences are pronounced after the burial or on the day of the funeral, you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “May the earth rest in peace!” If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete words of condolences, for example “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of assistance. Count on me!

• I am shocked by this sad news. It's hard to accept. I share your pain of loss...
• My heart is broken by yesterday's news. I worry with you and remember ___ with the warmest words! It's hard to accept the loss of ___! Everlasting memory!
• The news of ___'s death is a terrible blow! It hurts to even think that we won't see him/her again. Please accept my and my husband's condolences for your loss!
• Until now, the news of ___'s death seems like a ridiculous mistake! It's impossible to comprehend this! Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
• My condolences! It hurts to even think about it, it’s hard to talk about. I sympathize with your pain! Everlasting memory ___!
• It's hard to put into words how much ___ and I feel for your loss ___! A golden man, of which there are few! We will always remember him/her!
• “This is an incredible, catastrophic loss. The loss of a real person, an idol, an exemplary family man and a citizen of his country" (about Ilya Segalovich). .
• We sympathize with your loss! The news of ___'s death shocked our entire family. We remember and will remember ___ as a most worthy person. Please accept our sincere condolences!
• It's little consolation, but know that we are with you in the grief of your loss ___ and our hearts go out to your entire family! Everlasting memory!
• “Words cannot express all the pain and sadness. Like a bad dream. Eternal peace to your soul, our dear and beloved Zhanna!(Grave and)
• An unfathomable loss! We all mourn the loss of ___, but of course it’s even harder for you! We sincerely sympathize with you and will remember you all our lives! We would like to provide any assistance that is needed at this moment. Count on us!
• Sad... I respect and remember ___ and am truly sorry for your loss! The least I can do today is help in some way. At least I have four empty seats in the car.

Condolences on the death of mother and grandmother

• I was stunned by this terrible news. For me ___ is a hospitable hostess, kind woman, but for you... The loss of your mother... I sympathize with you so much and cry with you!
• We are very... very upset beyond words! It’s hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is a grief for which there is no cure. Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
• ___ was a model of delicacy and tact. Her memory will be as endless as her kindness to all of us. The passing of a mother is an incomparable grief. Please accept my deepest condolences!
• A grief incomparable to anything! And I have no words to ease your pain. But I know that she would not like to see your despair. Be strong! Tell me, what could I take on these days?
• We are happy that we knew ___. Her kind disposition and generosity surprised us all, and that is how she will be remembered! It is difficult to express our grief in words - it is too great. Let the kindest memories and bright memories of her be at least a small consolation!
• The news of ___'s departure came as a shock to us. We can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. At such moments we feel abandoned, but remember that you have friends who loved and appreciated your mother. Count on our help!
• Words cannot heal a terrible wound in the heart. But bright memories of ___, how honestly and honorably she lived her life, will always be stronger than death. In the bright memory of her, we are with you forever!
• They say they love their grandchildren even more than their children. We felt this love of our grandmother to the fullest. This love will warm us all our lives, and we will pass on some of its warmth to our children and grandchildren...
• Losing loved ones is very difficult... And the loss of a mother is the loss of a part of yourself... Mom will always be missed, but may the memory of her and the warmth of a mother always be with you!
• Words cannot heal this wound of loss. But the bright memory of ___, who lived her life honestly and with dignity, will be stronger than death. We are with you in eternal memory of her!
• Her whole life was spent in countless works and worries. We will always remember her as such a warm-hearted and soulful woman!
• Without parents, without mother, there is no one between us and the grave. May wisdom and perseverance help you get through these most difficult days. Hold on!
• The paragon of virtue has passed away from ___! But she will remain a guiding star for all of us who remember, love and honor her.
• It is ___ that can be dedicated to kind words: “She whose actions and deeds came from the soul, from the heart.” May she rest in peace!
• The life she lived has a name: “Virtue.” ___ is the source of life, faith and love for loving children and grandchildren. The Kingdom of heaven!
• How much we didn’t tell her during her lifetime!
• Please accept my sincere condolences! What a man! ___, just as she lived modestly and quietly, she left humbly, as if a candle had gone out.
• ___ involved us in good deeds, and thanks to her we became better people. For us, ___ will forever remain a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
• Your mother was a smart and bright person... Many, like me, will feel that the world has become poorer without her.

Condolences on the death of husband, father, grandfather

• We are deeply saddened by the news of your father's death. He was fair and strong man, a faithful and sensitive friend. We knew him well and loved him like a brother.
• Our family mourns with you. The loss of such reliable support in life is irreparable. But remember that we would be honored to help you any minute you need it.
• My condolences, ___! The death of a beloved husband is the loss of oneself. Hang in there, these are the hardest days! We mourn together with your grief, we are close...
• Today everyone who knew ___ mourns with you. This tragedy does not leave anyone close to us indifferent. I will never forget my comrade, and I consider it my duty to ___ to support you on any occasion, should you contact me.
• I'm so sorry that ___ and I had disagreements at one time. But I always appreciated and respected him as a person. I apologize for my moments of pride and offer you my help. Today and always.
• Thanks to your statements about his [qualities or good deeds], it seems to me that I have always known him. I sympathize with you about the death of such a loved one and a soul so close to you! Rest in peace…
• I am truly sorry for the loss of your dad. This is a very sad and sad time for you. But good memories are what will help you survive this loss. Your father lived a long and colorful life and achieved success and respect in it. We also join in the words of friends’ grief and memories of ___.
• I sincerely sympathize with you... What a person, what a personality! He deserves more words than can be said right now. In the memories of ___, he is both our teacher of justice and mentor in life. Eternal memory to him!
• Without a father, without parents, there is no one between us and the grave. But ___ set an example of courage, perseverance and wisdom. And I'm sure that he wouldn't want you to grieve like that right now. Be strong! I sincerely sympathize with you.
• Your shock at the onset of loneliness is a severe shock. But you have the strength to overcome grief and continue what he did not manage to do. We are nearby, and we will help with everything - contact us! It is our duty to remember ___!
• We mourn with you in this difficult moment! ___ — kindest person, a moneyless person, lived for his neighbors. We sympathize with your loss and join you in the kindest and brightest memories of your husband.
• We're sorry for your loss! We sympathize - the loss is irreparable! Intelligence, iron will, honesty and justice... - we are lucky to work with such a friend and colleague! We would like to ask him for forgiveness for so many things, but it’s too late... Eternal memory to a mighty man!
• Mom, we mourn and cry with you! Our sincere gratitude from our children and grandchildren and warm memories good father and good grandfather! Our memory of ___ will be eternal!
• Blessed are those whose memory will be as bright as ___. We will remember and love him forever. Be strong! ___ it would be easier if he knew that you could handle all this.
• My condolences! Recognition, respect, honor, and... eternal memory!
• They say about such open-hearted people: “How much of ours went with you! How much of yours remains with us! We will remember ___ forever and pray for him!

Condolences on the death of a friend, brother, sister, loved one or loved one

• Accept my condolences! It has never been more expensive or closer, and probably never will be. But in yours and in our hearts he will remain a young, strong, full of life man. Everlasting memory! Hold on!
• It is difficult to find the right words in this difficult moment. I mourn with you! Small consolation will be that not everyone has had the opportunity to experience such love as yours. But may ___ remain alive in your memory, full of strength and love! Everlasting memory!
• There is such wisdom: “It’s bad if there is no one to take care of you. It’s even worse if there’s no one to take care of you.” I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be so sad. Let's ask his mother what we can do to help her now.
• My condolences to you! Through life hand in hand, but you have suffered this bitter loss. It is necessary, it is necessary to find the strength to survive these most difficult moments and difficult days. In our memory he will remain ___.
• It is very bitter to lose your loved ones and relatives, but it is doubly bitter when young, beautiful, strong people leave us. May God rest his soul!
• I would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it is difficult to imagine whether such words exist on earth at all. Bright and eternal memory!
• I mourn with you in this difficult moment. It’s scary to even imagine that half of you has left. But for the sake of the children, for the sake of loved ones, we need to get through these sorrowful days. Invisibly, he will always be there - in the soul and in our eternal memory of this bright man.
• Love will not die, and the memory of it will always illuminate our hearts!
• … this too shall pass …
• For all of us, he will remain an example of love of life. And may his love for life illuminate the emptiness and grief of loss and help you survive the time of farewell. We mourn with you in difficult times and will remember ___ forever!
• The past cannot be returned, but the bright memory of this love will remain with you for the rest of your life. Be strong!
• Be strong! With the loss of your brother, you must become a support for your parents twice. May God help you get through these difficult moments! Happy memory to a bright man!
• There are such mournful words: “A loved one does not die, but simply ceases to be around.” In your memory, in your soul, your love will be eternal! We also remember ___ with a kind word.

Condolences to a believer, a Christian

All of the above is appropriate in expressing support in difficult times of loss for both the believer and the secular person. A Christian, Orthodox, can add a ritual phrase to his condolences, turn to prayer or quote from the Bible:

• God is merciful!
• God bless you!
• Everyone is alive for God!
• This man was blameless, just and God-fearing, and shunned evil!
• Lord, rest with the Saints!
• Death destroys the body, but saves the soul.
• God! Receive the spirit of your servant in peace!
• Only in death, the mournful hour, does the soul gain freedom.
• God takes a mortal through life before turning him to the light.
• The righteous will certainly live, says the Lord!
• Her heart /(his) trusted in the Lord!
• Immortal soul, immortal deeds.
• May the Lord show mercy and truth to him/her!
• Righteous deeds are not forgotten!
• Most Holy Theotokos, protect him (her) with your protection!
• The days of our lives are not numbered by us.
• Everything returns to normal.
• Blessed pure in heart for they will see God!
• Blessed peace to your ashes!
• Kingdom of heaven and eternal peace!
• And those who have done good will find the resurrection of life.
• Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
• And on earth she smiled like an angel: what is there in heaven?

P.S. Once again about active personal participation. For many families, even a small financial contribution to the future will be a valuable help in this difficult moment.

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