And that murder is not a crime ©

A young priest, who has just completed his studies, comes to church. The priest says to him:
- Go read the sermon!
He comes, he is afraid, for the first time after all. Another priest took pity on him and said:
- My son, go to the altar, stay, and boldly go read, everything will work out.
Well, he went and stayed. In the morning he wakes up - his head is square, all askew, smelling of fumes. Fits Butt:
- Holy Father, how did I scold you yesterday?
- Well, in general, nothing, but there were some inaccuracies...
- At least tell me which ones so that I don’t repeat myself...
- Well, okay... But I told you to stay, and not to show off, they go to the altar on two legs, not four, they don’t tuck their cassock into their underpants, they wave the censer back and forth, and not over their head, they knock the crucifix on the table no need, parishioners, not dudes, Christ was crucified by Jews, not cops, in holy scripture Apart from the Mother of God, no other is mentioned, you need to say not “fuck you, sinner,” but “God will forgive you everything,” there were 12 Apostles, not 12 idiots, at the end of the service you should let him go in peace, and not send him to hell, ends the prayer “Amen”, not “fucked up”, the breviary is a book, not a glass holder, the mantle of the image of Jesus Christ is not a tablecloth, there is no need to call Our Savior Jesus Christ and his apostles “Jesus with his gang-watering can”, David killed Goliath from a sling, and not “killed”, there is no need to call Judas a “fucking bastard”, there is no need to talk about the Pope: “Our Roman boss”, Judas sold Jesus in the Sanhedrin, and not “in one seedy place”, he sold him for thirty coins, and not for “thirty”, Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not “Daddy, Son and Ghost”. And lastly - most importantly - I don't need to be called a "transvestite in a red skirt."

Letter:
Hello, dear daughter!
If you receive this letter, it means that it has reached you. If not, then let me know and I will write to you again. I write slowly because I know that you are not a very fast reader. Our weather is good. Last week it rained only twice: at the beginning of the week, for 3 days, and towards the end, for 4 days. By the way, about the coat you wanted, Uncle Vasya said that if you send it with these cast buttons, it would be too expensive in terms of weight, so I cut them off. After sewing them back, I put them in the right pocket. Your dad found new job. There are 500 people under him! He mows the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Nastya recently got married and is expecting a baby. We don't know what gender he is, so I can't tell you yet whether you'll be an uncle or an aunt. If it's a girl, she wants to name her like me. It’s a bit of a strange decision to name your daughter Mom. An incident recently happened to your brother Tolya: he locked his car and left the keys inside. He had to walk home (10 kilometers!) to get the second set of keys and let us out of the car. If you suddenly meet your cousin Lilya, then say hello to her from me. If you don't meet her, don't tell her anything.
Your mom.

P.S.: I wanted to send you some money, but I already sealed the envelope.

Three o'clock in the morning. Bar. Everything is closed.
A German mouse leans out of a mink, looks around - there is no cat, rushes to the bar, pours himself a beer, drinks and flies as fast as he can back to the mink.
A minute later, a French mouse appears, looks around - there is no cat, also rushes to the bar, pours itself some wine, drinks and also runs into the hole.
Mexican mouse sticks out - no cat - tequila - mink.
A Russian mouse looks out - there is no cat, runs to the bar, pours 100 grams. vodka, drinks, looks around - no cat, pours a second, drinks - no cat,
pours a third, then a fourth and a fifth.... After the fifth, he sits down, looks around - well, there’s no cat! He stretches his muscles, lights a cigarette and mutters angrily:
- Well, nothing... We'll wait...

Lecture at the Faculty of Psychology. The teacher says:
- Now I will show you three degrees of irritability.
A telephone is brought into the classroom and put on tap so that students can hear not only the teacher, but also the person speaking on the other side. The teacher randomly presses the buttons and dials a number, a couple of beeps and a voice:
- Hello!

- Young man, you must have the wrong number, there is no Lyuba here.
The teacher hangs up and tells the students:
- This is the first degree of irritability. Now I'll show you the second one.
Dials the same number.
- Hello!
- Sorry, can Lyuba come to the phone?
- Young man, I explained to you in Russian, there is no Lyuba here. Are you dialing the correct number?
He hangs up and says:
- This is the second degree of irritability.
He dials the same number again.
- Hello!
- Sorry, can Lyuba come to the phone?
- Man, are you a complete moron, a complete idiot!!! I'm sick of calling, you asshole!!!
He hangs up and says:
- And here is the third degree of irritability.
The whole audience is laughing, suddenly one girl raises her hand:
- Can I show the fourth degree of irritability?
He picks up the phone and dials the same number as the teacher.
- Hello!
- Hello! I am Lyuba. Nobody asked me?

The priest was disappointed to discover that his flock consisted of only one farmer. While wondering whether he should hold a service that Sunday, he decided to ask his parishioner for his opinion.
“If I bring a bucket of millet to my chickens,” the farmer began, “and only one comes, I don’t leave her hungry,” he logically concluded.
Moved by this simple analogy, the priest mounted the pulpit and delivered an emotional and lengthy sermon.
- Did you like the service? - he asked at the end of the sermon.
“When only one chicken comes,” the farmer answered irritably, “I don’t feed her the whole bucket.”

Two priests meet. One says:
- Can you imagine, the other day I was leading a service in the church and a woman came in, not only with her head uncovered, but also smoking in the God's temple. I almost dropped the beer from my hands.

A boorish-looking young man enters the temple, approaches the priest, hits him on the cheek and, smiling sarcastically, says:
- And what, father, it was said, they hit right cheek, substitute the left one too.
Father, a former master of sports in boxing, sends the insolent man into the corner of the temple with a left hook and meekly says:
- It is also said that with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you!
Frightened parishioners:
- What's going on there?
Deacon important:
- The Gospel is interpreted.

Priest in the church:
- Whoever swears in church, I will beat him with a stick!
- Excuse me, Holy Father, but you yourself said “f*ck off”?
- Get fucked, you damned one!

At confession.
- My father, I sinned - I named one young man"son of a bitch".
- What made you call him that, my daughter?
- He touched my hand without my permission.
- Like this? (touches her hand)
- Yes, my father.
- But after that he undressed me.
- So? - undresses her
- Yes, my father.
“But that’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
- But after that he shoved you know what you know where.
- So?
- Yes, my father
“But that’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
- But, holy father, he has syphilis!
- What a son of a bitch!

Father, maybe a glass for the health of the young?
- Sorry, honey, you can't. I'm at the censer.

There are many passengers on the bus, cramped conditions, inconveniences... One young lady was pressed against the priest, and she exclaimed:
- Wow!
To which the priest replied:
- Not “wow”, but the key to the temple!..

The priest comes home all beaten up, his wife asks:
- Father, how?
And he tells her:
- This is not an image, but a candelabra...

In the New York subway, a dirty man with a terribly red face sits in a carriage, dressed in only rags, he reeks of alcohol a kilometer away, and he is reading a newspaper. Sits next to a man catholic priest in vestments. The man looked up from the newspaper, looked at the priest and asked:
- Tell me, dad, why do people get rheumatism?
The priest looked at the man with a contemptuous look and answered:
- Rheumatism occurs only in those people who have been parasitists all their lives, lead a dissolute lifestyle, consume alcohol in immeasurable quantities and have long ago sold their souls to the devil!
The man exclaimed: “Well, nevermind!” and again buried his face in the newspaper. A minute later the priest felt very ashamed that he had treated the man so rudely and un-Christianly. In order to somehow smooth out his guilt, the priest asked the man in a caring voice:
- Tell me, have you been suffering from rheumatism for a long time?
To which the man replied in a hoarse voice:
- Why, dad, I don’t have any rheumatism. It’s just that the newspaper says that it was found in the possession of the Pope.

A new Russian comes to church for confession.
The priest asks him:
- What is your sin, my son?
- Father, I'm too greedy.
- Greed is a great sin. When you leave the church, you must give $50 to the first person who crosses your path.
- How? $50 to the first person you meet?
- My son, if you want to take the path of correction, you must start with this.
The new Russian listened to him. He leaves the church - there is no one around! He goes further and sees one girl - high-heeled shoes, a short skirt, makeup almost falling off.
He comes up to her, gives her a $50 bill and says:
- Here, take it...
- No, it’s not enough, you need $100.
- Why $100? Father told me that I need to give $50.
- Well, the priest is a regular customer...

Forgive me my sin, holy father! I was on a bender yesterday...
- Is your repentance sincere?
- Coded, father!

Church. Absolution. Father:
- Sinful, my daughter?
- It’s a sin, father.
- How many times have you sinned?
- Two.
- Go read the “Our Father” twice, and you will be forgiven.
Next.
- Sinful, my daughter?
- It’s a sin, father.
- How many times have you sinned?
- Three.
- Go read the “Our Father” three times, and you will be forgiven.
Next.
- Sinful, my daughter?
- It’s a sin, father.
- How many times have you sinned?
- Ten and a half.
- Hm... Go ahead and finish your sins. Then you will come. I'm not good at fractions.

We became friends somehow Orthodox priest and a rabbi. Houses were built in the neighborhood, a common garden was planted without a fence. And we decided to buy one “Zaporozhets” for two. No sooner said than done. They drove us in, put us between the houses and went off to sleep.
But the priest can’t sleep: he needs to bless the car, but he doesn’t want to offend the rabbi. He spun and spun, and in the middle of the night he decided: his friend was probably sleeping and wouldn’t know anything.
I went out into the garden with holy water. Walks around the car, splashes. It comes up from behind, lo and behold, the exhaust pipe is cut off!…

What parishioners you have, Father! They stand at work calmly and gracefully, but before they used to drive away mosquitoes with their hands.
- And now I put fumitox in the censer. That's why they don't bite...

In the church after the service, a hefty, shaved fellow approaches the priest and says:
- Well, you, fraer, are really great at sculpting, damn it!
- How do you talk to the priest? Get out of the temple!
- Well, as you know... But I wanted to donate ten grand to the temple.
- Ten pieces!? Well, bro, you are truly a trump buddy!

All jokes are fictitious. Matches with real people or events are random.

– Are children in church a problem for many abbots?

– Of course, it is especially relevant in residential areas, where many people with children come to services. Sometimes the liturgy there turns into a continuous childish cry. Mothers with babies zealously try to stand through the entire liturgy, well, at worst, they sit through it with their children in their arms. It’s hard for mothers, and the child gets tired, and everything together interferes with the service. I've been to these many times.

– Do you have any recipes for what age to bring children to the service, at what point?

“I have four children, eight grandchildren, and children’s screams at work don’t irritate me at all. I always remember Christ, who said: “Let the children come to Me and do not hinder them, for to such is the Kingdom of God. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.” (Mark 10-15-16).

Remember Blok’s famous line from the poem “The Girl Sang in the Church Choir”:

...And only high, at the Royal Doors,
Participant in the Mysteries, the child cried
That no one will come back.

Children have cried and disturbed the liturgy at all times, but with their crying they still praise God, even if they do not realize it. I don’t think that children interfere with the service; on the contrary, they show us how imperfect we are, how we cannot teach them that church life is a natural life for them.

If a child is brought to church once every six months, once a year, then it is quite understandable that everything there frightens him, he is not interested there. If he goes more often, for example, two or three times a month, then he gradually gets used to church reality.

There is no need to insist that a child, especially a small one, endure service. The task of parents is to make the Church become their child’s home and a corner where he can feel comfortable.

I know churches that have special children's rooms. Before the service, parents bring their children there and entrust them to volunteers from the parishioners. They do things: read books, tell fairy tales, play, show cartoons. And then, in some churches it’s customary that it’s not the children who go to the altar, but the priests who come to these little rooms to the children with the Holy Mysteries. More often, of course, parents pick up and bring their children directly to Communion.

In my parish there is no such practice, and there is no such room. There is only a vestibule. I often advise parents with babies that, after venerating the icons and spending a little time at the service, confessing, they should go for a walk in the gallery or on the street, without tiring once again child. This applies only to the youngest children, under five years old. At the age of 6, a child can easily stand at a service for 40 minutes, if, of course, he is prepared by gradually introducing him to the rhythm of church life.

By the age of 6-8, children can read a prayer and listen to the Gospel themselves. Some of my grandchildren even join the choir and sing along with the Cherubim, the Creed, and the Our Father. This is already participation in worship. The younger grandchildren come with books and toys. A granddaughter once asks: “Grandfather, is it possible with a doll?” “It’s possible,” I say. He brings a large doll and says: “I took her so that she would also listen to the service.” “Okay,” I approve, “sit me next to you, but just don’t let him play pranks.”

– That is, upon reaching a certain age, 6-8 years, with proper preparation, the child should be taken to the beginning of the service?

- No, what are you talking about! The service begins with the clock, often with Matins, and along with the liturgy there will be as many as three hours of service. Well, what child can withstand this? I recommend that spiritual children come to the liturgy itself. It’s short, only 40 minutes, if you don’t linger with reading notes and long chants.

In 40 minutes, a child can easily be close to his parents and not get bored. It’s another matter if he is nervous, hyperactive, there are mentally ill children. Of course, then I recommend that parents take a walk in the vestibule and approach the Holy Chalice together.

It is clear that this is some damage for parents, but here you need to weigh the benefit for yourself and the harm for the child. Not finding a place for himself, a child may begin to play around, behave inappropriately, and even make a scandal.

A child is a child, and in the temple he remains a child. This must be understood.

Strange people - they pray with their feet

“But mom and dad also want to pray on Sundays.” Everyone around is praying, and I’m sitting in the vestibule and again entertaining the children.

- Understand, prayer is prayer everywhere. You can pray at home, but you may not be able to pray in church. My late mother, when I was little, could run into the temple for five minutes. She venerates the icons, as she herself said, to feel the atmosphere, and goes on to get on with her business. Having come to the temple for even five minutes, she was happy.

And to pray for hours, forgive me, but such a desire is parental selfishness. Having become parents, we live not for ourselves, but for our children. Optimize everything. Set a time that is pleasant for you, comfortable for the children, and beneficial for everyone. There are usually two parents - dad and mom, if the family is normal. Well, let the mother stand for half the service praying, and the father walk with the child, the other half - the father stands, and the mother stands with the baby.

This is completely normal. It’s not normal if throughout the service you’re busy coming up with another way to shut up a child’s mouth, or if you shudder nervously, turning to the parishioners and catching their dissatisfied glances, or even jerking them back. Well, what kind of service is this? What kind of prayer can there be?

Not “they will be heard in their abundance of words.” The Lord's Prayer, said from the heart and depth of the soul, will replace standing for hours. Believe me.

Our people are strange; they want to stand in prayer with their feet. We pray with our feet. Such a ritual belief. And also be sure to hit your forehead on the icon, take a piece of the miraculous cross with you, picking at least a drop. This “picking” is our tradition. However, one should treat this, and even the crying of children in the temple, with condescension, still trying to find a way to ensure that there is order in the temple. This is important.

Why did the child leave the church?

– An Orthodox school is a special atmosphere, but why after Orthodox schools, where children follow the text of the service, they leave the church.

– A lot has grown and a lot has gone. That's true. I often say in sermons that a teenager will be in church if he lives in an atmosphere of love, peace and the grace of God that enters him through his parents. If from childhood a child has learned that his father and mother love him, then the idea that the Lord loves him even more is understandable to such a child.

You can’t force someone into the temple, although some manage to do it. I know stories where parents literally dragged their children to services. The children stood, but they didn’t do anything. From the age of fifteen we stopped walking, because we couldn’t use strength anymore.

At first they came less often. Once every six months. Then they disappeared altogether. If you meet such a teenager, he explains: “It’s a shame, childhood sins have appeared, problems that I don’t want you to know about.”

He took communion and confessed! But it turns out that the cruelty of parents, when the mother pulled the ear, stood nearby and clicked on the head, or when she fraudulently lured the child to the temple, backfires.

I ask a parishioner: “Mother, how come the child doesn’t go to church?” - “He closed the door and won’t let me in. Shouldn’t I beat him with a belt?!” “Of course, he’ll give you change in five minutes, he’s head and shoulders above you.” You will be good, and he will be good.”

The issue of children's existence in the church only seems simple. My grandmother used to say about children who are disposed to church life, “a child of grace.” And there are also “those without grace.” Not that they are bad, but rather incorrectly brought up. They were taught something wrong about church life. For such children, the church is a distorting mirror that reflects the wrong thing. Perceiving everything incorrectly, everything in their spiritual life is awry and crooked. Such children disappear over time.

But time passes and what was laid down in childhood is remembered, emerges, and is cleared of husks and crookedness. After 5 years, our teenager appears: “Father, remember? And you baptized me.” “I remember, of course. Where did you go, what has led you now?” - I say. “So it happened,” he answers embarrassedly.

But problems arise in adult life, when neither father nor mother, and often even doctors, can help. Here there are diseases, drug addiction, alcoholism, early pregnancies, marriages, and whatever.

I had teenagers whom I married at the age of 16. The girl is pregnant, there's no escape. But be that as it may, one day they come to God for real.

- Because of fear?

- Yes, there is no fear. There is a need of the soul. People remember that in the Church, in the Gospel they read, they received what they could not receive in the world. No one else will console them like Christ, will give them the calm and peace that they have lost. I have such cases of return. And at a young age, and at a mature, and at a very mature age, they return.

I remember one day a woman came. She was born in the thirties, she was approaching eighty, she came with the words: “My grandmother once baptized me, I went to church and folded my hands like this: cross to cross, and they gave me something sweet.”

I listen to such an old woman and understand that the seed has sprouted, albeit late, but it has sprouted. The Lord did not leave. Therefore, no one should be judged. And if a child left the church, this does not mean that he was abandoned by God. If he left, it means there was something wrong with his parents, with the priest, and finally, with that church and its surroundings. There was no such love, accessibility and joy of presence as there is and will be in the Church.

Sorry I'm not wearing pants

– You often hear from priests about the atmosphere of love, but how can you understand that you are loved in this temple?

“If no one pokes you in the back, says that you stood up in the wrong place, put the candle in the wrong place, kissed the icon in the wrong way, came in the wrong form, if all this didn’t happen and doesn’t exist, then there is love in this parish.”

“Father,” one woman says to me, “forgive me for coming to you without pants.” “I don’t understand you,” I throw up my hands, “you’re talking nonsense.” Then the woman begins to explain to me in detail what she is wearing, why she now had to come in leggings. And I answer her: “So you came to God, and not to me, well, what do I care if you’re wearing leggings.” In general, for candle box We always have pareos on hand.

If a person comes to Church and is calm, no matter how he is dressed, if he sees that he was received with love in the church, then next time he himself will not put on these leggings. Guys come to us completely covered in tattoos, with giant tunnels in their ears. When I ask: “My joy, what have you done to yourself?” “That’s how it’s supposed to be,” he answers. And six months later he comes back with the tunnel already sewn up. In both the first and second cases, he was accepted as he was, no one said a word against him.

Did Christ push away thieves, tax collectors, and harlots? Both righteous and sinners - the Lord allowed everyone to come to Him, accepted and loved. And in our attitude towards people we must be guided by the Gospel, and not by our ideas about who owes what to whom. The church is the house of God. We are the same guests there.

If you came to Church and felt the atmosphere of love, stay. If not, then well, there are many temples in the city, look for another one.

I myself have been to churches more than once (I came in civilian clothes, people didn’t know that I was a priest), where they told me: “There’s no point in getting baptized here. Look, the rector has not crossed himself yet and you stand still,” or “be baptized where the priest is baptizing, and not where you want,” or “stand on right side. Why did you go to the left? This is the feminine side." So what remains? You just have to feel sorry for the zealous grandmothers, and you should also feel sorry for the zealous priests.

Sometimes you come to such a church and remember Vysotsky: “there is stench and twilight in the church.” Indeed, darkness, blackness, only lamps are burning, but from the point of view of spiritual life there is the same darkness and twilight. And you won't understand anything. But, as one priest I know said: “God has a lot of everything.”

If we return to children, then the house temple is important - the temple of the family. Home prayer should precede church prayer. And if at home no one crosses himself before eating, if they don’t read the morning or evening rules, albeit briefly, so what to expect from a child in church? Of course, he will never survive in it.

– How did it start in your family?

– We always prayed at home. There was a short rule: To the Heavenly King, the Trisagion, Our Father, a prayer to the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel. One prayer from the morning or evening rules. And be sure to pray in your own words: “Lord, save and have mercy on dad, mom, grandfather, grandmother.” We didn’t even name names, we just asked Simochka and Aunt Katya for health. Mom sometimes suggested names, and we prayed. Prayer in your own words is not something made up, it is when you talk to God on your own. On your own, you tell him what you want to say.

But if these prayers are not there, if on Sunday you jump up, have a fight and run to church, and you also stand idle in church, then it is clear that difficulties cannot be avoided.

At one time our family lived in a monastery. The priest’s large family also lived in the next room behind the wall. In the morning we got up for prayer. That family also stood up, but no one prayed at home. The head of the family, an absolutely wonderful priest, went into the fields to pray. We pray, sit down to breakfast, and our neighbors are blown away by the wind.

“Mother, why don’t you pray with us?” - Mom asked. “So why, I gave them all a penny and let them go to church. Let them pray there in the cathedral, kiss the icons, light candles.” This whole horde rushed to the cathedral. To whom and how they prayed, where and what they placed – no one checked. With noise and hubbub they returned home hungry, because they had not eaten or drunk since the morning. They’ll snatch something from our table, something along the way.

Two families - two experiences. In both the first and the second, priests came out of the children, and in both there are people who serve God. You see, there are different paths; in fact, there are many of these paths leading to God. The main thing is that He sees our hearts and thoughts.

Getting married is not a guarantee of happiness

– How often do you not give blessings for marriage? Do you give advice: don’t marry this one, don’t marry this one?

– In my experience, there is no such thing, there has never been and there will never be such a thing. I have never told anyone: “go for this one, but this one is not suitable for you.” Although I am asked quite often: “Here is a guy (girl). What should I do? Should I get married?

My main condition when they come and ask to get married is that “there is love between you.” It is your personal business who you fall in love with, whether this person is older or younger than you.

Sometimes I ask how long we have known each other. It turns out that someone went out for a week and “that’s it, let’s get married,” it happens for six months, a year. Usually a month and a half. Then I ask, do they have an intimate life?

“Yes, of course, father, we modern people! This is the most common answer. “Dear ones,” I have to answer them, “so you have already crossed the threshold that leads to the wedding. If you allowed yourself intimate communication, so what do you want from me, a simple priest? It’s one thing if you have repented, it’s another thing if you’re waiting for advice. You decided everything for yourself. Do you want me to bless you for this? No, I will not give such a blessing. Because intimacy before marriage is a sin.”

“So we love each other!” - the interlocutor or interlocutor retorts.

The life of today's youth is very unique. When I speak out with these laws and principles, I notice how people’s smiles slip. And you start communicating, it turns out that before this “bride/groom in question” there was also Petya, Vanya, Misha, or Katya, Ira, Masha.

And that’s why I always say: “If you come to the Lord in repentance, if you pray, if you ask: “Father, bless you for your marriage,” then I have no right not to bless you. But I can’t answer the question of whether you will be happy/unhappy if you choose this person as your wife.” Well, I’m not a prophet, after all. And a wedding is not a guarantee of happiness. A person chooses his own position in life and bears responsibility for it.

– For many, civil marriage, registered but not married, and the requirements of the canon are a serious stumbling block.

– You know, Metropolitan Anthony (Bloom) told me what to do here. Having lived for many years in England, he often observed people who got married at 30-40 years old, while starting families at 20 years old. That is, they were truly mature before the wedding. Their right, you agree. But what should a priest do? Reject them from the holy mysteries?

I read from Bishop Anthony that “you need to mature before your crown.” This right cannot be taken away from a person. The crown crowns you for your work, for your feat and, as it is sung, “holy martyrs, pray to God for us.” That’s why I get people engaged and read a prayer for cohabitation, especially if they have children. And they live with this blessing. And when they mature, when they are ready to say “yes, Lord, forgive us, we came to you to confirm that we love each other and are ready to be together until the end,” then I get married.

I know a huge number of couples who have lived together for many years, have children, but are not ready to get married.

– Does this usually happen in families where one of the spouses is an unbeliever?

“You won’t force yourself to get married.” I bless you and ask you to pray for each other, because “let a believing wife give light to an unbelieving husband,” says the Apostle Paul.

There have been millions of such cohabitations throughout history. christian church. Only the Lord has the right to judge them, especially if they loved each other and were truly faithful. And if He has not yet touched the heart of one of the spouses, can we reject and deprive the other of the sacrament? No, we have no right.

Someone protests, they say, let's act according to the canon. Come on, just let's be firm in everything. For one sin - “he will not receive communion for ten years”, for another - “he will be rejected for three years.” I broke my fast - “let the whole fast not receive communion”... I’m really afraid that this canon and I will be left alone in the church, and maybe there won’t be anyone.

You see, the canons are correct, they cannot be erased from life, but we admit that it is impossible to strictly apply them in our lives, to every family. We will simply be left without a flock, which we will scare away. Okay, without a flock, it’s much worse that people will be left without help and will begin to die without spiritual support. We had a case in our parish when a person, having not received support on certain issues in his life, left for a sect. And all this is short-lived.

– Do believers often get divorced, according to your observations?

– There are a lot of such problems in the church now. Even at inter-conciliar meetings this is discussed. I cannot talk about the statistics of Moscow churches. I judge by my own parish and those whom I have married over these 25 years. Few people get divorced. In those rare times, the reasons are drunkenness, when it is no longer possible to live with a man. It happens that they get someone on the side. Sometimes they repent.

Therefore, the Lord himself will decide what to do with a person. It’s not for us to do this, you agree.

Confession should also be a consultation

– Surely you have encountered the fact that people come to confession over and over again with the same sin. What can be done here, is it possible to help through confession?

– Confession – Sacrament. Like any Sacrament, confession changes a person. It's like a second baptism. If we sincerely approach the Sacrament, we name our sin, and not just “stand around and wait for the priest to cover us with the epitrachelion.” If we start a conversation, we tell him why I have no patience with my husband, why I got drunk, why I lash out at the children, why my lover appeared and whether to tell my husband about this, and what to do in general. These are problems and they require the help of a priest to solve.

Sometimes I organize talks for parishioners. Sometimes in sermons I talk about such “diseases” and how they are treated, how to make yourself a person who can perceive his other half as himself.

After all, if you did something nasty, you didn’t do it to someone, but to yourself, you betrayed your own love by committing adultery. Time passes and a person comes to confession with the words: “You talked about me at the sermon. Did one of us tell you? How do you know? I’ve been afraid to tell you about this for a long time.”

But no one told me anything. It’s just a textbook example, but the person recognized himself in it.

– So confession sometimes turns into psychological consultation?

- I must.

- Really? So not every priest has a psychological education. In their zeal, can’t especially ardent priests make a mess?

– Yes, not everyone has such an education. I will say more, not every priest knows how to enter into a conversation, there are many who do not perceive conversation at all. But I still share the Sacrament of Confession and spiritual conversations.

I inform parishioners in advance when they can come and talk. I have set confession days and hours: from 6 to 8 after the service. While the museum is not closed, I can calmly and slowly accept confession and talk about topics that worry a person. But if I see that there are a lot of people and I physically can’t cope, then I ask: “Dasha, Igor, Nikolai, come to me another time.”

“What about communion?” - someone would ask. “If you consider yourself worthy, come and take communion; if something remains and torments you, then you won’t go to the front tomorrow, come during the week.”

In today's religious practice It really all comes together. People think that once you come to church, you need to immediately confess, take communion, light candles at all the icons, and serve a memorial service. Otherwise, it would be as if he came in vain. I understand that it is difficult for many to get out to church once a week. Everyone has their own reasons. I can’t blame people for this, but putting it all together is not very good, frankly speaking, it’s bad.

In Greece, for example, confession is a completely different story. This Sacrament is performed only a few times a year by special agreement with the priest. Moreover, not every priest has the right to confess. As a rule, this is a person appointed to the position of confessor. Greeks confess once every six months, once a year, and receive communion at every liturgy or depending on their spiritual state.

And we have good, valiant, zealous priests, but out of their jealousy they often unceremoniously wedge themselves into a person’s fate. And in a certain sense, they make their parishioners and spiritual children not the good Christians they should be.

A priest in his youth cannot advise anyone on anything, much less decide for a person. The maximum he can afford is to listen and pray that the Lord will rule.

Burnout of any person, especially a priest, also depends on what and how you fill yourself. Will you replenish your soul with prayer, and your life good deeds and the desire to serve others. The priest does not live for himself. The moment he becomes a priest, his personal life ends, and personal time becomes a convention. This is the most important thing that a priest must remember.

School benches were placed between coffins

“Sometimes a priest has served, his flock has formed, but after some time he is suddenly transferred to a new parish. We need to start everything from scratch.

– At the end of the eighties, I, a young priest, was appointed to the first church opened in Moscow after perestroika in honor of the Apostle Andrew the First-Called on Vagankovo. Until 1989, its premises housed a funeral supplies store. The building was given to the church, we restored it. This was my first temple. There we opened one of the first Sunday schools in Moscow.

During the two or three years that I served there, the school grew to 500 students. We studied on Saturdays and Sundays from one o'clock in the afternoon. Having no utility rooms, they conducted classes right in the temple. Benches were placed between coffins, under which children hid, playing hide and seek during breaks in classes. The temple remained a cemetery, so on weekends there were always coffins with the dead, who had to be buried the next day. Children perceived life differently than adults.

When suddenly I was transferred to new temple, it was impossible not to mourn. Why suddenly, when I had just developed my activities, when the parish began to take shape, when Sunday school, they gave me a completely destroyed temple in the center of Moscow?! You cannot imagine these ruins, which were the Church of St. Nicholas in Tolmachi.

The building belonged to the museum and housed various services of the Tretyakov Gallery. When the new depository was built, everyone left from here. For three years the temple stood abandoned. There is no need to explain what “windows and doors are open” meant in the nineties. Everything possible: bricks, marble, flooring - everything was removed and taken away.

Seeing this desolation, and I was 42 years old at the time, it was impossible not to lose heart. Then I could not even imagine that in this destroyed, desecrated, disgraced temple one day the greatest shrine of all Russia would be kept - Vladimir icon Mother of God from the gallery's storerooms, and through joint efforts we will restore the building itself to the condition in which it was under Pavel Mikhailovich Tretyakov. Maybe even more magnificent.

God has his own plans for us. And when a zealous priest had just completed the construction of a new church, and suddenly it was transferred – well, that means it was God’s will. The main thing is not to mourn. A Christian should not have sorrow except for sorrow for his sins. We need to accept everything with gratitude and say: “Glory to God for everything!”

- Why weren’t you sad?

“My beloved mother supported me: “Well, ruins - so what? Maybe our grandchildren will see how beautiful this temple is!” The grandchildren saw it. She was right. Her support and enthusiasm did the trick.

The Sunday school and children's choir that had formed on Vagankovo ​​moved with me. We practiced in the recreation hall and were even able to serve in the premises that we had at that time.

A parish council was formed. We received the status of a house temple under Tretyakov Gallery. And all clerics to this day are research assistants galleries receive salaries from the state. In general, we are completely merged with the museum and everything that happens in it. Vernissages, concerts, opening of exhibitions with the participation of our choirs - we do everything together. On our own, outside the museum, we would not be able to maintain such a temple.

During the 25 years of my abbot the flock changed by almost 70%. Of those who went to church in the first years of service, some went to other cities, some went to other churches, some simply died, which is also natural. Thanks to the fact that the backbone that came with me remained, we preserved the spiritual family.

What happened in the early 90s and now is a completely different story. Those born in the 90s do not remember any era Soviet power, no perestroika, no terrible persecutions of the 30-40s, well, perhaps according to the stories of their grandfathers. And we were lucky enough to know those who went through camps, exile, who witnessed how icons were chopped down and our temple was desecrated, and finally saw it reopened.

These people, including the children of the late rector, Hieromartyr Ilya Chetverukhin, formed the basis of our parish council. They passed the baton of spiritual joy to us and shared their optimistic perception of life. This ability to accept everything with gratitude to God is a gift that should be learned by everyone who opens or receives new churches today.

I became a priest recently - a little over a year ago. The time before ordination is always special. You understand that a few more days - and your life will change dramatically. But only after my consecration did I fully realize that I had taken upon myself the greatest responsibility - to serve at the Throne, and, of course, I faced the first trials.

The first service is always scary

After my ordination, I was often asked what exactly I felt at the moment of ordination. And at first I was ashamed to say that it was nothing. No, of course, there was excitement, there was an awareness of the unreality of what was happening at that moment. But at the same time, having read the memoirs of various priests about their unusual impressions before the ordination, I was ashamed to say that everything went as usual for me. And then I realized that this is not something to be ashamed of. The main thing is that you went to your consecration for years, prepared for it, and through the apostolic succession of your bishop you received it. And everything else will come later.

The first services are always scary. You stand at the Throne, look at the service book (written in pencil, like a first-grader’s notebook) and try to figure out what is written there. On each page, in the margins, between the lines and wherever there is free space, there are cheat sheets scribbled by you with a detailed description of what needs to be done in at the moment. But for some reason my own handwriting suddenly becomes illegible. You don’t know the exclamations, you read prayers with mistakes, you go into the wrong doors, you go out to burn incense with an extinguished coal.

And then after some time a terrible temptation begins. Doubt creeps into my soul: have I done everything right so that the prosphora and wine are transformed into the Body and Blood of Christ? Is the sacrament performed by me effective?

The art of confession

When you go to confession for the first time, you are overwhelmed by thoughts: what should I say to the person confessing? It was later that I realized that confession is not a conversation. The priest is not obliged to say anything in confession. He is obliged to listen, he is obliged to understand whether the person sincerely repents. And giving advice is not always appropriate.

Parishioners, seeing the new priest, strive to confess to him. He is less strict, at first he does not impose penance, and most importantly, he is not ashamed to confess repeated sins. After all, he doesn’t know that you have been repenting of this sin for many years.

A priest is not a walking encyclopedia for all occasions. Of course, he must be literate, but he cannot know everything. And you need to be able to overcome your fears and answer a difficult question: “Sorry, I don’t know.” Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh said in one of his words about confession: sometimes an honest priest must say: “I was with you with all my soul during your confession, but I can’t tell you anything about it. I will pray for you, but I can’t give you advice.”

If you don’t have children, then you don’t need to talk about their proper upbringing. It is better to advise what literature to read and which priest to contact. The clergyman’s handbook says that a “lay priest” should not take monastic vows, since he cannot give what he does not have himself. It’s the same here: there’s no need to say something that hasn’t been felt, isn’t imbued with your own life experience.

Requirements and money

In my opinion, we receive unreasonably large amounts of money for the consecration of apartments and other sacred rites. Therefore, I perceive any donation for performing a religious service as an imposition on me of the obligation to pray for these people and remember them at the liturgy.

From the very beginning of my ministry, I began to adhere to the practice that no need should become just a craft or just making money. Therefore, when performing baptism, consecration and other requirements, I do two obligatory things: I speak a sermon and invite people to invite me to visit in their free time. This proposal is especially well received after the baptism of children. Parents invite you to their place, prepare questions, and thus manage to have a good missionary evening.

The hardest money is for the funeral service. Sometimes you just don’t want to take them. After all, you cannot come, just wave the censer, read the prescribed prayers and leave. You must say something to your mother, wife, husband and other relatives standing at the coffin. And this can be very difficult to do. I don’t want to say platitudes or complex sentences with quotes from the holy fathers. There is a different situation here, when you need to say simply and from pure heart, show your sincere complicity. Sometimes it can be difficult to hold back tears. I have never considered a priest's tears at any service to be a weakness or a bad thing. Rather, on the contrary: if we are able to feel so deeply the grief of people we do not know, it means that our heart is still alive and we have not turned into simply performers of demands.

On the other hand, the funeral service is probably the most useful requirement for the soul of a priest. The vision of the death of people of different sexes and ages cannot but give food for thought: but one day in his place there will be me, my mother, my parents. What will we come to God with and what will we present to him for judgment? I was especially spiritually touched by the funeral service of one man. His wife, forgive the crude detail, came up to him, a stinking corpse, kissed him on the lips and said simple and correct words: “Sleep well, my beloved, we will soon see you again and be together.” May God grant such faith to every priest!

Through the heart

The life of a priest is always full of impressions, emotions, experiences. There are days when in the morning you have to face human happiness. You are marrying a beautiful couple. The lovers look at each other and pray for their happiness. You are present at a joyful event and rejoice with them. You say warm words, wish them family wisdom and God’s help. Opens up before this family new life. They don't know yet that family life- it's not just smiles, kisses and celebrations. They still don’t realize that the word “marriage” does not come from the word “to take.”

Then you go to the unction of a sick or dying person. There is almost no joy here. There is hope in God. When performing unction, you explain the meaning of the sacrament, you empathize with the sick person, and strive to console. Sometimes the conversation with the patient after the unction lasts for an hour or two. Sick people confined to four walls suffer from lack of attention and communication.

Then - the funeral service. A mournful morgue building or a cramped room filled with many people with burning candles in their hands. Cry and mourn. And so you grieve with them, trying to say a word that is not always heard.

And so every day. The priest has to carry everything through his heart. You cannot grieve and console people formally. You cannot smile at the newlyweds and not be happy for them in your heart. If this is not the case, then this is an unhappy priest. This is a demand fulfiller who has come to the wrong place.

priest Anthony SKRYNNIKOV

A priest is walking through the desert, and a lion meets him.
The priest begins to pray:
- Lord, instill Christian thoughts in this lion.
Leo kneels:
- God bless my food!

A priest who arrived in a small village asked the boy how to get to the church where he would read a sermon in the evening.
After the boy showed him the way, the priest suggested:
- Come tonight and bring all your friends!
- For what? - asked the boy.
“I will tell you how to get to heaven,” answered the priest.
- You're kidding! - the boy laughed. -You didn’t even know how to get to the church!

We read about the Old Testament Joseph, who married the daughter of an Egyptian priest.
- Dad, who is a priest?
- Son, this is such a priest...
David interrupts:
- Is this uncle a priest who eats a lot?

A new priest arrived in a Finnish village and decided to get to know the parishioners by personally visiting each one’s home. And so he knocks on the door of the peasant Jussi. From behind the door comes the voice of Jussi's wife:
- Is it you, my angel?
The priest was a little confused, but answered:
- No, but I'm from the same company.

Having finished the service, the priest announced:
- Next Sunday I will talk with you about lies. To make it easier for you to understand what will be discussed, read the seventeenth chapter of the Gospel of Mark at home beforehand.
The following Sunday, the priest announced before his sermon:
- I ask those who have read the seventeenth chapter to raise their hands.
Almost everyone present raised their hands.
“It’s with you that I wanted to talk about lies,” said the priest. - U
Mark no seventeenth chapter.

A bus driver and a priest stand in front of the gates of heaven.
Saint Peter comes out to them:
- You, driver, come in, and you, father, wait a little.
The priest is indignant:
- How so? I dedicated my whole life to the church!
- So what? In your church everyone was sleeping, but in his bus everyone was praying!

An English priest, walking in a very well-kept garden, sees a gardener at work. Wanting to remind him of the greatness of God, the priest says:
- I see you have a wonderful garden, sir. What wonderful creations the Lord creates when man helps him!
- Ha! You should have seen this garden last year when He worked here alone...

On Sunday morning, the priest calls his superiors. Like, I’m sick, I can’t go to the service, let someone else take my place... Having received the go-ahead, the priest gets into the car and drives out of town to the golf club. He gets up open field“There are no other players,” he prepared to hit.
At this time in paradise, an angel asks God whether this can be forgiven, since it is, in essence, a sin.
God agrees, it really is a mess.
The priest hits. The ball flies across the entire court, flies past all the holes and flies straight into the last, eighteenth hole.
Angel:
- Is this a punishment? ?
Creator:
- Do you think anyone will believe him?

Perestroika. A priest and a cop are walking, complaining to each other about hard times. Suddenly they see two people fighting furiously. The cop just wanted to separate him when the priest held him back:
- It’s not time yet, my son, wait...
Those two are already killing each other - the priest is still holding the cop. Finally, one of the fighters falls dead.
Priest to policeman:
- Now it’s time, my son... Let’s go... One is yours, the other is mine!

One old priest was so tired of listening to confessions
about the adultery of all the people in his area, that on one Sunday
said from the pulpit,
- If I hear that even one more person admits to adultery,
then I will leave you!
Since everyone loved him, the parishioners came up with a little trick. If
someone has committed adultery, he will be said to have “fallen.” This,
as it turned out, the old priest was completely satisfied. Everything was going well
until the priest died. A week after arrival, concerned new
the priest visited the mayor of the city and excitedly reported
- You must urgently take care of the sidewalks in the city. When people come
come to me for confession, then almost everyone says that they fell.
The mayor began to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
regarding the substitution of words. Before the mayor could explain anything,
the priest shook his finger and said in a stern voice,
- I don’t know what’s so funny, but even your wife fell this week.
three times.

One young man confesses to a Catholic priest:
– I played the violin a lot and very passionately!
- My son, this is not a sin. Go in peace!
Behind him, another young man also calls playing the violin a sin during confession.
Then the third, fourth, fifth. Although the priest is surprised, he absolves everyone’s sins without punishment.
Then a young girl comes into the booth and says:
– I allowed myself to be played like a violin!
The priest jumps out of his booth and shouts:
– The whole string orchestra comes to me once again!

And laughter and sin.
The priest said while smoking weed.

After a long sermon, the priest asked the parishioners if they were ready to forgive their enemies. About half of them raised their hands. Dissatisfied with the result, the priest continued talking for another 20 minutes, and then repeated his question. This time, about 80% of the parishioners raised their hands. The priest preached for another 15 minutes and again asked if they were ready to forgive their enemies. The tired parishioners responded unanimously, with only one elderly lady abstaining.
- Mrs. Jones, are you not ready to forgive your enemies?
“I have no enemies,” answered the old woman.
- This is amazing! How old are you?
- Ninety three.
- Mrs. Johnson is amazing, please come forward and tell us how a person can live to be 93 years old without having a single enemy.
The little sweet old lady slowly walked into the center of the temple, turned to the parishioners and said:
- It's elementary. I simply survived these creatures.

One day a bus driver died. He approached the gates of heaven, knocked, and introduced himself to St. Peter. He found his name in his Book, looked at something there and said:
- Yes, you are allowed access to heaven. Here are your clothes made of silk brocade, and a golden staff - come in!
The driver got dressed and entered heaven. Next in line was the priest, who watched all the procedures with interest. Now he said
St. Peter gave his name, he looked at something in the book and said:
- You are also allowed into heaven. Here are some burlap clothes and a wooden staff for you. You can come in.
The priest protested:
- But how can that be? I’m a priest, I gave my whole life to God. Do I really deserve less than some driver?
And St. Peter answers,
- For us in heaven, the main thing is the result. You were a bad priest, and people slept during your sermons. And he drove the bus in such a way that during the day thousands of people prayed to God!

A priest who did not believe in Darwin's theory was killed and eaten by a stronger and fitter priest.

- Do you want to confess?





“Never,” answered the old man.
- Why?
- Because I am a JEW.

- I'm so happy! I tell everyone

An old man comes into the church and addresses the priest:
- I would like to talk to you alone.
- Do you want to confess?
- Well, uh... Confess, confess like that.
The old man says that he is 86 years old, his wife died 36 years ago, and during this time he has never had sex. But 2 days ago he took one Viagra tablet and spent the whole night with two young girls.
- What else? - asked the priest.
“That’s all,” answered the old man. The surprised priest asked:
- When was the last time you confessed?
“Never,” answered the old man.
- Why?
- Because I am a JEW.
- JEW??? What are you doing in church and why are you telling me all this?
- I'm so happy! I tell everyone!

Good afternoon.
- I wish you good health!
-Are you really a priest?
- That's right!

A new priest asks a parishioner how she likes his sermons.
- Amazing. You could say that we didn’t know anything about sin until you came to us!

Once again absolving sins, the priest came to the conclusion that the worst sinners are the righteous: because of them you can easily find yourself without a job...

Priest at the sermon:
- My children! What should you do first of all to ask for forgiveness for your sins?
Girlish timid voice:
- Sin?

Doctor, is this serious?
- I'm not a doctor, I'm a priest.

At the gun store, the priest chooses a pistol for himself. Salesman:
- Father, why do you need this?
- My son, some people don’t believe in God, but they really want to see him!

The new Russian asks the priest:
- Father, if I donate one hundred thousand euros to the temple, will I find salvation in Heaven?
The priest, after thinking a little, answers:
- I can’t give any guarantees, my son... but I think it’s worth a try!

In the church, the priest says to the young groom:
- To the question “Do you agree to become a husband?” you have to answer “I agree” and
not "Come what may"!

Priest in the church:
- Whoever swears in church, I will beat him with a stick!
- Forgive me, Holy Father, but you yourself said “fuck off”?
- Get fucked, you damned one!

A beauty with a deep neckline came to confession to the priest.
The priest looks into the neckline and repeats: "Oh, God!"
A voice comes from heaven:
“Well, finally you called me to something worth looking at!”

A young girl and a Catholic priest are sitting next to each other on the plane. The plane comes in to land and the girl turns to the priest:
- Padre! I'm very embarrassed to ask you, but could you help me? The fact is that I bought myself a new expensive razor for women, which needs to be declared. But I have no money! Be so kind as to hide this razor under your cassock, the customs officers won't notice anything!
- My daughter! - the priest answers. - It’s a sin to lie! But my duty is to help people, I will try to come up with something.
The plane has landed, passengers pass through the customs control strip. The customs officer asks the priest:
- Father, do you have anything under your cassock that needs to be declared?
- No above the waist, my son.
- And below the belt?
- And below the belt I have a device for women, which no one has used yet.
- Everything is clear, come in. Next!

The thief came to the church for absolution. But out of inertia, he stole the priest’s watch.
“Tell me,” the priest asked him, “what sins are on your conscience?”
- Stole a watch from someone good man. Do you want me to give them to you?
- No, they need to be returned to the person to whom they belong.
- But he doesn't want it.
- If so, keep them and don’t be sad.

The priest rose from his knees and announced to the congregation:
- Today there is a man here who started flirting with someone else's wife. If he doesn't put five dollars on the plate, I'll call his name from the pulpit.
When the dish went around the worshipers and returned to the priest, there were nineteen five-dollar bills on it and separately two dollars with a note: “I will bring three dollars tomorrow.”

God told people that before Flood 3 days left.
Orthodox priest at a sermon:
- Let’s live out the last 3 days with dignity, and drink the vodka so that it doesn’t go to waste...
Muslim imam in the mosque:
- Let’s find out the taste of forbidden pork, since it’s going to disappear anyway...
Rabbi in the synagogue:
- Brothers and sisters! We only have 3 days left to learn to live underwater!

After 15 years of serving as a priest in the parish of Father Pasquale, a farewell evening was organized. A famous politician was invited to the evening to give a short ceremonial speech. The politician was late, and the priest decided to say a few words to his congregation to occupy the time.
“I got my first impression of the community from the first confession I heard here, and I thought that the archbishop had sent me to a terrible place. The first person who confessed told me that he stole a TV and money from his parents, and committed theft at work , had an exciting intimate relationship with his boss's wife, and sometimes sold drugs. And, to top it all off, he admitted that he had infected his sister with a sexually transmitted disease.
I was dumbfounded and shocked. But over time, I got to know the rest of the parishioners and saw that not everyone is like that - I saw good and responsible people.
This is how 15 years of my career as a priest passed. "
And then a politician appeared who was supposed to give a long-awaited speech. Apologizing for being late, he began: “I will never forget the day when our priest appeared here for the first time. I was lucky enough to be the first to confess to him...”

Two priests set up a sign on the road with the inscription: “Stop, the end is near! Turn around before it’s too late!”
A truck drives past them at great speed, the driver shouts and waves his fist:

Two priests set up a sign on the road with the inscription: “Stop, the end is near! Turn around before it’s too late!” A truck drives past them at great speed, the driver shouts and waves his fist:
- Damned sectarians, you've had enough of them already!
The car disappears around the bend, and a rumble and a loud gurgle can be heard from there.
One priest says to another:
- It looks like you were right, you should have simply written “The bridge is destroyed.”

At confession.
- Holy Father, I have no more strength. There is not enough money, the children need to be raised. I don’t know how to live further.... And I want to eat deliciously and dress well.
- These are all temptations from the devil! Accept what is. And be patient.
- Holy Father, I saw very luxurious big cars in your yard...
Priest, interrupting:
- You noticed everything correctly! Do you know what their consumption is? Liters 20-25. And we suffer too! Where to go?

A very elderly man came to the priest and asked:
- Tell me, father, is it possible that I could be the father of the child that my 18th wife gave birth to today? But I’m almost seventy... Maybe this is a miracle created by God?
“I’ll tell you a story now,” said the priest. “I was once in the desert and suddenly I saw a lion rushing towards me. I raised my cane like a rifle, took aim, and when the lion was very close, I shouted: “PU!” The lion fell dead...
- I understand, it was the work of God!
- Not really: behind me there was a hunter with a real gun.

Funeral. A young woman buries her husband.
A widow in deep mourning, her eyes red from tears.
The priest reads a prayer and pronounces words of consolation to the family and friends of the deceased.
“This is how this world works,” says the holy father. - We will all sooner or later depart to another world. Death is a mystery, but in the mystery there is a door. Today your dear son, husband and father opened this door, he left us, but he will forever remain in our hearts. We will always remember his bright image... And when it is especially difficult for you... (addresses the young widow) remember how you loved this man, how warm and joyful you were next to him. Remember his face, his hands, his last words... Do you remember his last words?
- Yes, Holy Father.
- And what did he say?
- With this gun, cow, you won’t even hit an elephant!

The priest was very upset that his parishioners were not giving enough. And he decided to take up hypnosis.
On Sunday, he heated the stove in the church hot, read the sermon slowly and monotonously, took out a shiny pocket watch on a chain and held it so that it swayed.
When the congregation fell asleep, he said:
They donated a fair amount of money to him, and he decided to repeat the same thing the following Sunday.
He heated the stove again, did everything the same, said:
- You are all generous and kind. You are very pleased to donate all the money in your wallet to charitable causes!
And then it turned out that the parishioners, taught by experience, did not take money with them.
In his hearts the priest said:
- Well, you are assholes!
He had to clean the church for a whole week.

- Father, let's save ourselves!
- No need, God will save me!


- No need, God will save me!
- Well, as you know, father.


- No need, God will save me!
- Well, look for yourself...

- No need. God will save me!


And God answered him:

During the church service, a heavy downpour began outside and did not stop for several hours in a row. The river overflowed its banks. Slowly the church begins to flood. People are gradually leaving. The pastor remains where he is. One of the parishioners says to the priest standing ankle-deep in water:
- Father, let's save ourselves!
- No need, God will save me!
The water keeps coming. The priest is already knee-deep in water.
A truck pulls up and a guy leans out of it:
- Hey, father! Let's get into the car and let's escape!
- No need, God will save me!
- Well, as you know, father.
The water is coming. Already up to the pastor's chest.
A boat floats up, a guy looks out of it and says:
- Father, let's get into the boat. Save yourself!
- No need, God will save me!
- Well, look for yourself...
The water is already reaching the priest's throat.
A helicopter flies in, a guy leans out of it and shouts, throwing off a rope ladder:
- Father, get in here! Save yourself!
- No need. God will save me!
And a wave covered the pastor. And he drowned. I woke up - in heaven.
He immediately runs to God and shouts:
- Why didn’t you save me? I was counting on you so much!!!
And God answered him:
- Listen, I sent you a man, a truck, a boat, a helicopter. What more did you need?!

The pastor went into the bar to use the restroom. From the street he heard
loud music, and then suddenly everything went silent, all the dancers stopped
and stared at him. The priest, a little embarrassed, approached the bartender
and asked
- Excuse me, can I use your toilet?
The bartender looked at him sympathetically and said,
- I wouldn’t advise you.
- Why? - asks the pastor, - I really can’t stand it!
- OK. Just keep in mind that there is a statue of a naked woman with a fig
leaf!
“Nonsense,” the pastor replies, “I’ll look the other way.”
The bartender showed the door to the clergyman and he went to the toilet. Through
a few minutes, he leaves there, and in the bar, everything started to rumble again
and jumped. He approached the bartender and shouted,
- Sir, I don't understand! When I entered here from the street everything was quiet, and when
returned from the toilet, then ended up in a nativity scene! What kind of disrespect for a servant
Gentlemen!
- Order! Now you are one of us. - the bartender says smiling, - What do you want?
pour?
- I don’t understand anything. Please explain! - shouts the puzzled pastor.
“You see,” says the bartender, laughing, “every time someone
lifts the fig leaf on the statue, it flashes above my counter
a whole garland of lights! So how about having a drink?

Dream Interpretation